Feeling Like a Roommate...

Every so often (because seasons come and seasons go) Brock or I will say...

"I'm feeling like a roommate." 

We have been married for 11 years now and marriage is WORK.  I can unequivocally say that I love my husband more today than I did when we professed our vows to one another, but lets face it.  Life is busy. We have different hobbies, passions, and yes even different friends. There are seasons when due to all the crazy schedules of work, church, kids friends, fun around the city, City Dads Group we just end up feeling like ships passing in the night. "Hey, roommate? How ya doing?"

This for us is a queue that we need to refocus some of our attention and schedule back away from outward focus to being more inward focus on connecting in our marriage. Basically, because of all the craziness, we have put our relationship on the back burner and now it is time to give the stew a good stir, add in some ingredients, mix things up.

Many times, the conversation centers around things that we have not done in a while (date night, connecting about where each other is in our walk with Jesus, things we would like to see/do, being intentional, and yes sometimes simply saying "we haven't had sex recently, aka: a week or so).  

Usually, doing something small to make one other feel just a bit more special/loved does the trick to get us out of the Roommate funk and back to the marriage we enjoy.  Sometimes it is as easy as having a really good night of love making.  Other times it means that we need to get our creative juices flowing, look at the budget (both financial and time) and come up with a great date or weekend away.  Having two kids, a dog, and the house means that fighting for time for us is HARD!

But we DO IT! Because before we ever said, I think I could marry you we had a conversation about Divorce not being in our vocabulary. The only exit plan for our marriage is if one of us dies. That was our agreement. 

So we make time.  The roommate feelings are extinguished, connections restored, and we continue.  We are never surprised when it comes around again as we just know it is a part of life. Rather, it is what you do when you have those feelings that dictates where the next season will take your marriage.

My encouragement to you when you have these seasons are as follows:

1. Talk about your thoughts/feelings with your Spouse!  If you don't, nothing will change.

2. Take initiative yourself to change. Don't expect your spouse to do it.

Plan the date, prep the bedroom for marital fun, get a babysitter, book that favorite restaurant, take a trip, go to a play, concert, movie... DO SOMETHING to reconnect.

3. Expect these seasons but don't create them intentionally.

4. Work on your marriage together! The longer you are together the more it will change and grow because I am not the 22 year old who said I do and neither is our marriage one of inexperience anymore.

5. Remember to have fun. 

I hope you all find this helpful and encouraging.

Many Blessings

BWM Corie

#KeepingItReal #Blessed #LoveMyHusband #WorthIt #GottaTakeMyOwnAdvise #TimeForADate 

How to Respond to a Stay at Home Parent

With the upcoming release of the Incredibles 2 movie, I have been talking to people about how Mr. Incredible will be portrayed in his role as a stay at home dad, while ElastiGirl is out saving the day. This lead me to reflect on my personal interactions with others and the responses I have received when they hear "I am a stay at home dad."

The Scene: While out and about you meet a new person and you start talking about life and maybe even kids. Chit-chatting along then the inevitable question: "Where do you work?" or "What do you do for a living?" And of course the response: "I am stay at home mom/dad/parent."  The new acquaintance usually responds with the classic "Well, that must be nice to not have to go to work everyday." And there is the demoralizing statement about their work, that a stay at home dad cannot be seen as care giver to children, yet this would not be the reaction if this were a stay at home mom.

The response by those who are negative towards men staying home with the kids, have great impact. They are very discouraging and enraging to those how have taken on this role for the betterment of our family. Dads are just as qualified to care for their children as mom and as a stay at home dad and member of the National Stay at Home Dad Network, I have heard first hand stories from others about the responses they have received and have read about other dads going through this same situation.

Let me just say that if you meet a stay at home dad who is out with their kids whether it be at a store, park, zoo or any other public place understand a couple of things. First, the dad that you have just met is first and for most a human being. If you are a mother at the park please do not treat him as invisible, a creeper who you think is hitting on you by talking with you because their kid is playing with your kid. Be a grown adult and have a conversation. Oh and if you are a group of moms having a play date at the park and a dad and his kids come to the same place please don't round up the strollers and shun him and his kid because you have decided that because they are not part of your pack the they might cause some kind of devision. These are sad and real situations that dads deal with on a regular basis do to close mindedness. The second thing is the response, "Oh it must be nice", which is usually followed by "I would love to not go to a 9-5 job and get to spend the whole day watching cartoons and playing at the park". Some people even think that stay at home dads are lazy and just sit around a play video games all day long. Yeah right, its nice being at home all day with our kids(insert sarcasm). Not always, this job is by far the toughest job I have ever taken on. I am up by 7am maybe 8am if I am lucky, I get up and more times than not I am fixing the kids breakfast, putting in a load of laundry and then hopefully putting on some coffee for me and getting my breakfast together. When I was working, I would get up, my wife and I would work together to get the kids up and around and I would have all my things and leave for the day before my wife as she would drop them off at day care. See the difference? But I chose this lifestyle for our family because I see the importance of having a parent at home and we have the ability to make it happen. So yeah it all sounds nice right? Well, let me also point out that there are dads who stay at home because they have medical issues whether they be mental or physical that keep them from holding a job in the workforce. The background and reason these dads are staying at home should not matter to someone when they find this out because it is really non of their business. That is between the dad and the mother of the children and her confidence in him being able to help with the kids while mom is off at her 40 plus hour a week job bringing home the bacon to provide the necessary funds to feed, cloth and shelter the whole family. 

So in conclusion be a kind human being next time you are around a stay at home parent. And if you are a parent yourself remember we are all walking down the same path of life trying to raise our kids to be the best they can be. Lead by example and treat those dads you come into contact with as Men who have taken on a great role in their family that has typically been held by mom's for decades but with the great progression this country is experience is now allowing women to further their careers and giving dads the chance to step up and be a more active part of their kids lives.

Reflections during a Sick Day.

Bread Winning Mama, Corie, here.

 Today, I stayed home from work as I battle with migraines and this one just won't kick the bucket. It is one of those migraine days that I know if I drove, it would only get worse and then not safe for me to drive back home.  Work would be a complete struggle and everyone would be better served by me remaining home. So, this morning I am just enjoying the company of my family while listening to the steady rain and attempting to get a few of those "pushed off" little tasks done that I just have not had time for.  It is also a recovery day so relaxing and letting my body/head heal are important.

Migraines have been a battle of mine for decades and it is not easy. My entire family is affected.  I am actively seeking treatment but nothing seems to help.  If you suffer from these then you know what it is like. Seeking treatment is just as exhausting as the actual migraines and can lead to just wanting to give up. So that is my minor soap box for the moment.

Today, I am just trying to not let the pain of the migraine distract me from enjoying the little blessings of life.  As my kiddos play peacefully today with blocks and magformers, I have to reflect and say "thank you Jesus for children who get along, play quietly and truly do love each other."

Many times these young ones drive me crazy or I lose my temper with them which they don't deserve.  Then I remember these moments of peace and beauty.  Ruby at 2.5 is counting correctly on her own with little prompting to get it correct. H, at 5.5, is already reading and memorizing Bible verses.   They make each other giggle and help each other when they need it.

And I love that they are playing with the simple things and do not need technology to entertain them.

Ruby, in particular is just as sweet as can be.  She will snuggle with me when I feel awful. She has begun playing in imaginative ways. Cooking food, making tea, being nurturing toward her stuffed animals and babies. It is so sweet to see her growing up. I am proud that she is my girl and I am her Mama.  She jumps in to help without being asked.  My prayer is that these little attributes will continue all the days of her life. And then she says, "Hulk Smash" and chases after her brother.

H, has been a challenge as he is getting bigger, pushing his boundaries, testing the water as to what he can and cannot do.  He is also very helpful, loves serving, setting the table and doing all of the chores with us. I love seeing his heart as well.

And they listen, MOST of the time. These moments are so good to have as it reminds me that Brock and I are raising them to be amazing adults one day.  I don't want to fast forward but just be present and to see all of the sweetness of their current ages. I don't get a lot of days like this since I am usually "working in the coal mine, going down down down..."

To all those readers, I say don't miss the sweet moments, the joy, the love. And call out the attributes that are good in your kids to build them up, bless them, and encourage them to grow.

It's hard being a parent and worth every moment. So take heart all you who are weary and remember those moments of joy and peace.

Raw Emotion Brings Pain and Insight!

The first quarter of the year has been a tough patch for my emotions. It started out on a high because I was going to be attending a conference in New Orleans titled Dad2.0 Summit. I had a great time there and it was a great experience. I walked away from it feeling energized and ready to start a new endeavor with a podcast I had been thinking about for awhile now.
After I got back from the event however I got sick and was knocked on my butt for about 2 weeks. Functioning at about 80% for that time and having both mental and physical hurdles to overcome made doing any blogging or podcast prep very difficult because the motivation was not there and the focus was unattainable.
~ As I have moved through the past few month things have seem to not really come up roses and rainbows. I have not been able to catch a ladder up, instead I have slid further down the shoot and have found myself battling not only depression but also anger.(Shoots and Ladders popped into my head) My anger has taken the form of not being able to be the father that my kids need and the husband that my wife deserves. My out bursts of anger have causes my son, who is my oldest to fear me when I raise my voice, when correcting him and it is a feeling that has kept me in peril. The last thing I want to do is scar my children with a version of me that is not my true self but, a part of me that can be fixed by me taming the rage monster inside me.
~ Along with these feelings I have also been entertaining an unhealthy level of thoughts that I am not a good father and that I am a weak husband. This has lead me to thinking that my fellow brothers in the Stay at Home Dad world will just respond to me me with, "I need to stop whining and figure it out" or "You chose this position in your family its time to stop getting so over taken by the rollercoaster of life and raising children" if I were to reach out to them and post this out loud.
~ I don't want to feel this way and I know that these are all lies but I have let them overtake me for too long. This is an outcry to say that I am done letting this happen. I will strive to make slower decisions and to forgive myself when I bring forth the wrong persona. I know that I am not the only parent that feels this way and I write all this to say that reaching out to those who are either in your situation or that can speak truth and encouragement into your life is a must. Throw your negative thoughts and emotions to the side and just be raw with those who you feel comfortable with and ignore those who are not helpful. I am so thankful to have outlets like my wife, my fellow SAHD brothers on Facebook groups like the National At Home Dads Network and off shoots of the group help to be able to have candid conversations and not have people who don't understand speak into the situations that come up as a stay at home dad.
~ As I finish this post I feel a little better knowing that I am getting it out of my head and that hopefully others will read this and know that they are not alone.

~ Isaiah 42:16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. ~

Confessions of a Stressed BWMama - Taking Care of a Sick Family

Note: Everyone is Healthy Now and this all took place a couple weeks ago.  I started writing this in the middle of all of that and well I was taking care of everyone else sooooo pardon the late posting date. 

Let's Get Real: I am stressed, tired, warn out and I have heard more coughs, "mama" uttered a million times, tears of exhaustion, and sighs from my hubs when I lose my patience. I have pushed vitamins, meds, hydration, and naps. Disinfected, washed all the bedding several times, cooked several pots of soup and other meals.

And I have been angry, short tempered, at the end of my rope. I have yelled and had a huge fight with my husband who is SICK with the flu.  I am a horrible sinner and in the moments when my family honestly deserves to have the BEST from me they have received some of my worst. 

Some of my stress is self-imposed and in those moments, I need to realize that I have to adjust my personal goals for the year (I have REALLY BIG realistic GOALS for myself and family) and be flexible.  I need to give myself some grace and breathe. 

This has been going on for a Month.  One, two, or all three of my loves have been sick with the flu or some other bug or cold.  It is just frustrating to say the least.  I have not been able to do my normal routine, as they have required more of me.

The main thing that I have not been able to do is go to church and Bible study.  Last Monday I was finally able to get back to Bible study and today I was able to go to church.

Ruby and I are healthy and so I got us ready, served Brock and H what they needed as they were both feeling horrible and headed out.  Our church is about 1 mile from our home and I had no concern leaving Brock.  I was able to chat with a few different people. Let several know about Brock's condition as they knew he wasn't well and then I settled in to send time with Jesus and learn more about his word.

I NEEDED THIS!

My faith and relationship is such a huge part of my life.  It is the main motivating factor to why I am who I am.  I wanted to share the song that was so impactful.  It has been my anthem this and my encouragement.  

Reckless Love By: Cory Asbury

[Verse 1]

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me
[Chorus]
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
[Verse 2]
When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
[Chorus]
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

And if you have read this far... Here is my encouragement and the lesson that I learned:

1. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE!  It is not easy to be the one that is healthy is a house full of sickies.

2. Be flexible on the goals.  It is awesome to have big goals but sometimes life delays and people are more important than goals. 

3. Make sure you take care of yourself and find the peace.  

Papa is home from Dad2.0

My beautiful wife and mother of my children spend 3 days without me and in the process posted a great piece on her experience and insight of Dad2.0. I just wanted to take a moment and say that it is only by her taking time off at her busy job to come home and let me go was an incredible sacrifice. My wife loves our children very much but she is not a mom that likes to sit around and watch lots of children's shows like I love to do with this kids. She has an agenda while I was gone to accomplish with the kids.
1. She wanted to get our daughter of 2 yrs off her need for a pacifier. It had served its purpose and knew she was only holding onto it because we were allowing it. After talking a game plan through together she took to cutting the pacifier numbs off so that we Ruby woke up they were broke. She found them and brought them to Corie and they talked about it. She was sad and would point them out as broken but by the time I got home and she showed me, we asked her if she wanted to throw them away. After about a day I am happy to report that Ruby made her own choice to throw them in the trash. Success!!
2. She wanted to get on starting to plant our garden with a few starter trays of flowers and vegetables. When I came home this was also taken care of and we are on our way to having another successful planting and harvesting year.
The other things  we talked about did not happen and that was fine because the kids were coping with papa being gone and a little bit of sickness.
This was the first time I had been away from Corie and then kids for this length of time. She did great and gave me plenty of space to enjoy my time. We had a huge issue arise the very first day with money that caused some stress but she was my calming factor and we moved passed it (I will write in more detail in my full recap I am writing for later). I was not bothered to have to call to tell the kids good night any of the nights but I did make an effort to call Corie at the end of the for a few minutes.
In conclusion this trip showed us that we can function well as a family when I go to conference and that communication is still well established and not a burden but a very positive connection.
Keep a lookout for a future post when I release a short story of the entire experience of Dad2.0. 

Stay At Home Mama... Flying Solo in the Midst of Dad 2.0 Summit

A 4 Part Blog:

1: I'm Mushy and Not Sorry

By Beloved Brock has flown the coup and headed to New Orleans for the Dad 2.0 Summit.  There were a wealth of emotions before he actually left and now while he is away.  I absolutely HATE being states away as there are so many reasons and my heart is in his hands.  As I write this I am even getting a bit emotional as I just really want a snuggle and a sweet gentle kiss on my forehead.  To say I miss him is an extreme understatement.

2: What I'm currently in the middle of

I am so excited for Brock and all of the adventures, relationships, meetings, knowledge, and experiences he is currently enjoying.  I know that this brief separation will be a phenomenal blessing to our family, our city, and the Cincinnati Dad's Group.  So I just want to say THANK YOU to all of those spoiling/blessing/teaching my hubs some new things.  Just a couple I know of are: #KiaDad, Best Buy, and #RealStrength.

It is also a blessing to our kids and myself as we get to spend some quality time together.  As Bread Winning Mama, I am often away from home 60+ hours (actual work, commute, other activities and life) a week and that leaves very little dedicated time for me to spend with each of them.  So it is nice to remove the BWM "suit" (I don't actually wear a suit to work), relax into my Stay a Home Mama "jeans and T's," and just chill with my littles while they are still little.

Going into this weekend, I prepared myself with a few different tricks and wanted to make sure that I had a plan in my head (if not on paper as well) to help make things go smoothly for everyone.  Initially, I had thought about taking the time to really dig into potty training Ru (2 yo).  But the more I thought about it the more I didn't want to push it and she is 3000% stubborn...aka SHE doesn't want to do it yet. So, Nope.

I decided instead to just work on weaning her off of the PACI.  Really folks, she is 2 and doesn't "need" it but OH THE DRAMA.  My younger sister, works in a dentist office and gave me the idea that we could talk to her about if Paci is broken then we are going to have to throw it away and we cannot fix it.  We have 3 pacifiers in the house.  She only really uses one of them.  So yesterday, I cut the rubber piece off of one of them and showed it to her. Told her it was broken and we cannot fix it. Today, I did another while she was down for a nap. And I'm hoping that tomorrow after she wakes up I can do the last remaining one. And then we will forever be FREE of the paci. Hopefully, I will not regret this decision and Brock will not want to kill me for it later.  Fingers crossed. Pray for me.

3: The Weekend Thus Far

After the airport drop off we swung past our favorite local donut shop where we spent a good 10 minutes drooling over the sweet treats and deciding what to buy. Grabbed up some of their famous cookies and headed home for the morning.  We enjoyed half a donut a piece because I'm a smart Mama; split the spoils in half = less of a sugar rush now and the treat last 2x instead of just once = better likelihood of obedience in the longer term.  #winWinWIN.  The rest of the day was a bit of a wash as a migraine plagued me and it is difficult to function as a human let alone a parent when one of those EVIL MONSTERS arrives.  A friend unexpectedly brought over dinner, the kids refused to eat (they are not starving and had snacks earlier in the day), I refused to give them anything else; which meant PJ's and bedtime routine.  Before bed we played a couple rounds of Crazy 8's in which I needed to remind H how to be a good sport (Check out Brock's prior blog on Losing with Dignity).   It was a challenge as he was also pretty tired at that point. But bedtime went smoothly and their evening was done.    My HIGHLIGHT was a wonderful 20 minute call with my Beloved during which he shared some of his excitements with me.

He is doing an Amazing Job representing our Family and I couldn't be more pleased!

Today, I again got to do enjoy a special aspect of being a SAHM.  I took the kids to a free indoor (it was 16 degrees F) kids play area and meet one of my best friends, Leslie, with her two sons.  I am always refreshed and refilled when I get to spend time with her.  We talked about life, motherhood, nothing in general, and some really important revelations.  She had reached out previously to see if this was something that would work out and we very intentionally planned the time.  IT WAS PERFECT!  After that the kids and I headed to Lowe's as we need to start a few of our seeds for our spring garden and they didn't complain once.  We returned home, had lunch, sent Brock some silly pictures to make him smile. And then NAP TIME.

BLESSED NAP TIME... Which is how I have the ability and quiet to process and write.

This afternoon we are going to go celebrate another of my best friends; Nichole's LAST day of CHEMO!  I'm excited that I will get to take the kids.  I want them to understand that life is not always easy or fun but if you chose an attitude of praising/serving Jesus, being grateful, loving others, and choosing to be Joyful; it makes the hard stuff a whole lot easier.  Teaching them that our reactions and emotions are always a choice is something that Brock and I have worked hard to incorporate into our marriage and parenting.  It isn't easy to master within ourselves let alone teach to kids.  Many times we fail but in when we fail; we apologize, ask for forgiveness, and try to do better the next time.  The most humbling moments are when we have to go to our kids to apologize but this is what makes our bonds with them stronger.  (Ok that was my parenting tangent for the post)

Tomorrow, will bring a quiet day at home of planting our seeds in the morning, playing some games, and painting with "Mama's real paints" as H puts it. Maybe some baking as well.  We shall see.

Sunday! Sleeping a bit later (hopefully), CHURCH.  I am really excited for church.  I have missed it the past couple weeks as crazy sick virus with a fever got my 3 loves and I needed to care for them.  And then off to reunite with my Beloved once more at CVG!  I am ready to have him back and he has been gone just over 24 hours and will only be gone for 3 days. I know, I'm ridiculous; but that's my Love.

4: If You Ever Fly Solo

So to all the parents who read through to this point hear are my final thoughts:
If you are going to be flying Solo there are somethings that you should remember.

1. Switching roles with your significant other for some time can be really eye opening.  My SAHHubs/dad does far more in a day than I ever could at home in terms of keeping it clean/organized. And I wish I could accomplish 25% of what he does. I'm blessed.
2. HAVE A PLAN!  Know your kids schedules/routines/meds/meal plan. This will be beneficial for you and for them.
3. Do something that you don't normally get to do with them.  HAVE FUN!
4. Be flexible. Don't schedule every minute and have the time be overly exhausting for everyone.
5. If you are going to work on large transitions like the pacifier or potty training. Make sure you let your SO in on the deal.  They may have really good reasons as to why you should wait, ideas on what could help you succeed, or just need to be filled in on what they will be returning to when the roles flip back.


And truly if you have stayed with me to this point; from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! Our time is precious.  I hope you enjoyed my musing for today. Blessings to you and yours.