Raw Emotion Brings Pain and Insight!

The first quarter of the year has been a tough patch for my emotions. It started out on a high because I was going to be attending a conference in New Orleans titled Dad2.0 Summit. I had a great time there and it was a great experience. I walked away from it feeling energized and ready to start a new endeavor with a podcast I had been thinking about for awhile now.
After I got back from the event however I got sick and was knocked on my butt for about 2 weeks. Functioning at about 80% for that time and having both mental and physical hurdles to overcome made doing any blogging or podcast prep very difficult because the motivation was not there and the focus was unattainable.
~ As I have moved through the past few month things have seem to not really come up roses and rainbows. I have not been able to catch a ladder up, instead I have slid further down the shoot and have found myself battling not only depression but also anger.(Shoots and Ladders popped into my head) My anger has taken the form of not being able to be the father that my kids need and the husband that my wife deserves. My out bursts of anger have causes my son, who is my oldest to fear me when I raise my voice, when correcting him and it is a feeling that has kept me in peril. The last thing I want to do is scar my children with a version of me that is not my true self but, a part of me that can be fixed by me taming the rage monster inside me.
~ Along with these feelings I have also been entertaining an unhealthy level of thoughts that I am not a good father and that I am a weak husband. This has lead me to thinking that my fellow brothers in the Stay at Home Dad world will just respond to me me with, "I need to stop whining and figure it out" or "You chose this position in your family its time to stop getting so over taken by the rollercoaster of life and raising children" if I were to reach out to them and post this out loud.
~ I don't want to feel this way and I know that these are all lies but I have let them overtake me for too long. This is an outcry to say that I am done letting this happen. I will strive to make slower decisions and to forgive myself when I bring forth the wrong persona. I know that I am not the only parent that feels this way and I write all this to say that reaching out to those who are either in your situation or that can speak truth and encouragement into your life is a must. Throw your negative thoughts and emotions to the side and just be raw with those who you feel comfortable with and ignore those who are not helpful. I am so thankful to have outlets like my wife, my fellow SAHD brothers on Facebook groups like the National At Home Dads Network and off shoots of the group help to be able to have candid conversations and not have people who don't understand speak into the situations that come up as a stay at home dad.
~ As I finish this post I feel a little better knowing that I am getting it out of my head and that hopefully others will read this and know that they are not alone.

~ Isaiah 42:16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. ~