Ordinary Dad or Something Much More?

Life can be pretty unpredictable! "If you don't stop to think about what is going on around you, it's possible to miss a Big door to walk through." Sorry, I was trying to tap into my inner Ferris Bueller (Opening Monologue- Cult Classic and you really should see it if you haven't). But truly I wondered had I put myself in a situation that would pigeon hole me as just that guy everyone knows as a dad who has chosen to stay at home with the kids full time?


I am very comfortable with this but there is so much more to me and what I am doing in this new position in life. Along with caring for my kids, I am cultivating a new community that has been untouched for decades. Rallying fathers around my city to come along side each other in raising children. Don't get me wrong; our wives, girl friends, and significant others, can be a huge help but having other dads to talk to is a resource that is overlooked. And the women in our lives just cannot fill in the gaps of brotherhood, camaraderie, and support like other father's can.

With the launch of the Cincinnati Dads Group and the momentum of interest when I talk to dads all over the city, to writing this blog with my beautiful, smart and creative wife there has been a pendulum swing that has taken place. Now there is a new view of what fathers can do to be influential in this time in the world.

See, fathers are more active in their kids lives than any other time in history. It is seen in advertising and on tv shows that dads are not bumbling fools who just provide the DNA to create a child and then sit back to only come off the sideline for discipline. But instead we have a voice to help our kids exceed in their endeavors even from a young age which brings me to current life happenings.

 



Back around Thanksgiving, it was announced that there would be a conference happening the first weekend of February in New Orleans called Dad 2.0 Summit. This summit brings together influential Fathers from around the globe to unite as Bloggers, YouTubers, Coaches of Fathers and Influencers.  The goal of the summit is to help folks get the opportunity to interact with brands/companies as well as to learn how to hone their craft of social media, advertisement and other topics.



One of my goals for the summit is to make connections with just a few of these companies.  Ideally, I would love the opportunity to form a long term partnership in Cincinnati with one or multiple companies and the Cincinnati Dads Group.  It is my desire to work on several volunteer projects with the fathers and with the support of a company/brand that could multiply our efforts significantly.  Improving the lives of dads, making my city a better place, raising my kids, and making  sure my marriage is in a healthy place are top priorities.        



I am privileged to have the ability to get to attend the Dad 2.0 Summit in about two weeks.  I am excited to walk through a door that will widen my view of how I as a Stay at Home Dad can support, connect, and serve fathers throughout the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky region and hopefully beyond.

One of the things that I keep reading while preparing for this adventure; is the importance of meeting with these companies/brands and that it is just as important to meet the other guys that I have only had the opportunity to talk to over social media. This trip feels reminiscent to a reunion of college friends you have not seen in person since graduation but get to hang with for a few days. As I thought about my limited time at the summit, I wrote out a list of the men I have been speaking with for the past 9 months and know are also attending in an attempt to meet each one.  I am sad to say the list is so long that I don't know if I will get to spend time everyone.

I never would have thought at age 38 I would be making new friends from all over the world and moving towards a new outlook on life that puts a title on what I am doing as an "Influencer and Pioneer." I am excited for this chance to step over the threshold and into the world of new possibilities for me and my family. So keep your eyes and ears open to things to come in the future because it is going to be an amazing journey.

Living at a Distance (States Away from Family)

2013 - Just after my son was born and

Grandma and Grandpa got to meet their 1st 

Grandchild. Told you I look like my Mama.

I grew up in a town of 900 people; a small farming community where everyone knew everyone.  As a 16 year old, working in the only gas station in our town, I often would have people come in and ask me if I was related to my mother and they would identify her by her maiden name.  (Yes, I look like my Mama and was the spitting image of her as a teen. Yes, She is beautiful).  Almost ALL of my immediate family lived within a 30 minute drive of our home.  I regularly saw my grandparents, great grandparents, 8 aunts/uncles + their spouses, and lots and lots of cousins.  Family was a regular part of our lives.  My parents always taught my 3 siblings and I that we needed to help each other out and be there for one another.  I got the sense that this was an important trait that they wanted to instill in us, however, it did not seem to be true between them and their siblings.

My hometown/county was a safe place to grow up but it also had it's downsides.  It was a very sheltered community filled mainly by white people, farms, and little opportunity.  If you got in trouble at school, your parents likely knew about it before you got home.  And gossip was the main form of leisure whether true or false.  Growing up in this environment, I often struggled personally as I wanted desperately to fit in, have friends and be a part of something.  That desire was never fulfilled. I always felt like an outsider looking in which lead to depression and loneliness.
So as that teenager I always new that I would not stay in my hometown.  I would graduate high school and go to college where I would find a better, new atmosphere to hopefully begin filling the canyons named relationship, acceptance, and deep friendship.

That is exactly what I did.  Over time, I found a school, moved to the BIG city, my first week here I met a man whom I would eventually marry and have two amazing kiddos with.  We fell in love with our city bought a home and have NO plans of moving.

This leads me to my topic and current contemplation.  I know that my story is similar to so many others.  My parents and 2 sisters still live in my home state (2 away from me), my brother is 5 states away and my husband's immediate family is one state away from us with his sister being about 7 states away.   There is absolutely no chance of us moving back to our hometowns as we would not find the community, support, church, or employment that we currently have.

Newest Nephew

But this leads to a MAJOR heart struggle when family events happen and you physically want to be there to support or participate but the miles between just don't allow. In the past couple of months, there have been a couple events that have really drawn my heart.

My mom severely broke her ankle, was in the hospital and had surgery.  My dad works full time at night.  My heart wants to be there to cook meals, do laundry, and take her to doctors if needed. The second event that happened is my sister gave birth to her second son.  He is beautiful.  My heart wants to go and snuggle him, bring his parents a meal and gift, care for his older brother and bless them. He has some medical concerns that they are figuring out but that adds a layer of stress and complication.  This also makes my heart yearn to be there so much more.

Love the Lil Squ

I am thankful that we have all of the different social media avenues to share our lives from a distance which makes it easier to stay connected. I am thankful for the ability to have video calls on different platforms. I am thankful for cell phones that make all of this possible. I am also thankful for family who are willing to come to visit us and that we have a home with plenty of room to accommodate multiple visitors.

Part of me mourns being able to get in the car, drive 15 minutes and see my family.  Proximity affords many luxuries and conveniences that I am missing today.  And my children are experiencing a FAR different upbringing than my own.  There have been many times that I wish I had my family close to physically make life easier (date nights, random emergency help, birthdays, picnics, day trips).

And His big Bro

On the flip side, I wouldn't change the life that I currently have as Living at a Distance also has many advantages.  I have learned to build up my community and have so many deep relationships that my heart is overflowing with peace, love, joy, belonging.  I call on my people for all my parenting needs and they know they can do the same for me.  We have become family in a very different and enriching way as well.  I am really blessed and thankful for all of my framily.

Living at a Distance is a challenge that I will continue to face. 

So the main options I have currently are thus:
1. I am planning a trip to visit my family. Cook a bunch of freezer meals, snuggle my little squish of a nephew and wrestle with his big brother a bit.
2. Attempt to support my family emotionally.
3. Attempt to support them financially if possible, though on one income this is a rare occasion.
4. Process my own emotions with my hubs and know that it will likely not get easier.

How do you deal with Living at a Distance? 
What is the hardest part for you?
What has helped you cope?

Brock and I would love to hear about your experiences as well.
Blessings in this adventure of Parenthood.
Be warm and well fed.
Corie

Losing with Dignity ...How to teach kids to be a good sport!

                                                         

I am starting to see that I need to step up my writing game. My Bread Winning Mama has great insight and perspective that is drawing in lots of views which is wonderful to see. Luckily, we are a team and not competing against each other.
With it being the holidays, if your home is anything like ours, game boards and cards come out and the family will be sitting around the table.  It's a time to enjoy each others company and conversation while trying to win the game of your choice. As an adult losing is a little easier to handle but can still be tough if there are those around who are sore losers. But as a parents it is important to teach our kids the fun and not so fun sides of playing games. I know for me, I was not always the most graceful loser when it came to competition. I still have things that I battle with but it's the mentality of grow up, learn from the mistakes and move on that keeps me going. However little children are not so quick to make this decision.

To give you a quick peak into my own recent competitive experience and being on the losing end of the game.  I was really hoping to win a scholarship to help cover the cost of a conference that I am attending in February in New Orleans called Dad 2.0.  I will be stepping more into the world of blogging as a stay at home dad and learning more about marketing/social media. I am excited for the conference so I put my name into a hat with many other people to get this $500 scholarship. After I filled out the application and waited for the announcement, I started having small panic attacks about if I would get this award. Sounds dumb, right? A grown man, worrying about getting this money when I have a wife telling me, "It does not matter if you get it or not you are going." "We will make it happen it is important for your job as a SAHD." Still I was on edge and even had a couple bad nights of sleep. When the announcement came I did not get the scholarship. I was disappointed and even reacted very negatively and had to take some time to cool off, sounds stupid but it was an internal battle that stems from childhood issues (yep those come up even at age 38). So it got me thinking about how we are teaching our kids to deal with losing and how to be a good sport.

The other, I sat down with Hezekiah (age 4 will be 5 in February) and we played a simple game of Go Fish. He loves playing games! He is constantly asking if I will sit down and play them with him, but he thinks that he is going to win every time. I have witnessed this a few times prior, but I finally had a chance to work with him one on one about how to be a good loser.  We played our first two rounds and I won both instances.  Losing the first round didn't seem to bother Hezekiah but the second rendered a more animated and emotional reaction to the loss.

So we stopped to talk about how to respond. I asked him how he felt, he said "I am not happy. I did not win, it makes me sad." I told him I understood that it is not fun to lose. But after the initial reaction he needed to be able to quickly come out of the negative and tell his opponent or friend that it was a good game. After that I told him that he could ask if they would like to play the game again, but I let him know that they may not choose to play again and that their response should be respected. He could however ask if they could play again soon.  After I explained this to him I gave H the chance to practice this by going through what we just talked about.
This was our conversation after He lost back to back games.

H: Man that stinks that I lost again, but good game papa.
Me: Thanks
H: Can we play another game?
Me: Sure bud lets play one more game

The next game he won. He was so excited and told me,

H: Sorry you lost papa, do you want to play another game?
Me: No thanks. We need to move on to other things today.
H: Ok well could we play again another time?
Me: That would be good.

Now don't get me wrong it is not always going to happen this way but building a foundation of how to react appropriately is so important for how to win and lose gracefully.  Just like teaching your child how to work on complex math problems, we have to teach our kids the basics before they can move onto the more complex issues.
Last point about why this is important is that not every kid who plays a game is going to win and everyone in life does not get a trophy nor should they need a trophy. All that does is breed a thought that everyone should get rewarded and that is not a reality of adulthood.

The Lost Art of the Compliment

My almost 5 year old son; unprompted, gave a lovely compliment to his 2yo sister while eating dinner.  It was a wonderfully sweet moment to witness.  He told her that he liked the shapes around the collar of her shirt.  He then proceeded to guide her in the proper response of "Thank you."

He looked at me and said: "It pleases you and Papa when I am kind to Ru."  I affirmed him!
#ProudMamaMoment #BeStillMyHeart #StayThatSweet

I was very impressed that he took notice of a small detail, gave his sister a genuine sweet compliment knowing that he would likely not even receive an unprompted thank you from her, and then understood that this was a kind thing to do.  He will be 5, in a month and a half.  If such a young boy can demonstrate this simple art, then why is it lacking in so many adults today?

I have been milling over Compliments for a while now.  My personality is one that is encouraged and boosted by words of affirmation.  I am also very much an introvert/internal processor and while I do not shout to the world like a peacock "Hey look at me in all my glory." That is exactly what I am screaming on the inside. I crave others to notice and respond in appropriate ways.

The noticing and responding could be in many different avenues and I will just briefly give you a some examples.

1. An unexpected compliment about my recent unintentional weight loss.  The compliment came from the husband of one of my best friends.  I consider this man to be like a brother and a gentleman.  The compliment was genuine, sincere, and kind.  He had no agenda behind his words other than to speak the trust of what he saw and believed.  He told me I looked amazing and had slimmed down quite a bit.

2. I work as a customer service associate taking inbound phone calls for a large company.  I pride myself in providing the BEST service that I can and the type of service that I would want to receive if I were the client.  Recently, I had a client at the beginning of the day who had a complex issue.  I could have provided her with information of the next steps to get the issue resolved, however, I chose to own the issue and worked with the client for the next couple days until everything was completed.  The client thanked me and complimented me on the dedication to helping her.

3. I am a Full Time Working Mama so when I am home and do things around the house I appreciate when my husband and kids notice and simply say Thank You.

Having said this, I am also one to speak out the things that I notice and attempt to encourage wherever I am able as well.  It is a two way street after all. :-)

I make it a point to regularly tell others around me if I think they look nice, compliment their hair cut, tell them that I like that tie/shirt/shoes, or provide positive feedback about an interaction that I witnessed.  I want to be a bright spot in a person's day.

I was in a conversation at work with woman colleague of mine and we were discussing compliments as she had also noticed my weight loss and said that my face looks thinner.  We talked about the fact that Compliments; true, genuine, authentic, compliments, unattached to an agenda especially if focus on appearance are few and far between in the younger generations and extremely lacking from social media as well as the workplace.

Our main conclusions were thus:
1. No one is teaching the value of a compliment to children.
2. 20 - 30 somethings were not taught how to compliment someone without expecting something in return (such as a compliment in return or something more).
3. Sexual Harassment of any kind is not tolerated and therefore people steer clear of anything that could be linked afraid of implications or accusations. (Cat calls and one liners are harassment not compliments).
4. We are likely too distracted/busy to give a compliment.
5. We are selfish beings who just don't care or don't think about others.
6. It takes effort and we don't want to put in the energy.
7. And it is the same mentality from women as it is from men.

So my pondering to you...
Would my observations be true of your work/home life?
Do you see less compliments being given?
Do you believe it is due to the reasons I have listed above?
If so, how are we going to change this for the next generation?

I am going to continue to affirm Hezekiah, Ruby, Brock, and anyone else who gives a compliment or encouragement to keep it up.  It is not always easy but it really does bring a spark of light to someone's day.